What’s in your backpack series? … with love from Toronto.
What’s in your backpack – Toronto.
I literally bumped into this amazing lady: Joy at a play and stay in North London one day. I was with my then 6 months old and She was with her 12 month year old boy. We instantly hit it off ; it was so uncanny that she was actually my neighbour too – living literally 5 doors away from me! Not only were we neighbours and boy mamas, we also worked in the same field. A friendship was inevitable… One day she moved away with her little family back to sunny, bright and at times cold Canada, Toronto to be precise. She had never lived in Toronto so it was inspiring to hear how she survived the winters there, with her two little ones to boot.
Read about her creative yet rebellious streak; adamant NOT to be hook winked by the having it all, juggle and perfectly balancing it all motherhood and work. Read why she left her lucrative branding career in London and how she challenged the negative feeling of stress, overwhelm and resentment from her life, reconnecting with the things that really mattered to her. Most importantly though, read what she carries in her backpack!
1.Tell us a little bit about yourself? What you do and how you came to be living in Toronto?
I’m all Joy… seriously, Joy is actually my name and it’s also the question that drives me almost every single day. (I say “almost” because, you know, life isn’t always green juice and om-ing). The question I ask myself everyday is just that.
How can I live with less hustle and more joy?
I’m a creative soul, endlessly curious, a wife, a mama of two little boys, a wannabe dancer (in my kitchen!), a lover of pineapples, and an obsessive researcher of all things womanhood and wellness, life and style.
After 15 years living in London, my family and I returned to Canada. We live in the prettiest village-like ‘hood in downtown Toronto. We moved to be closer to our families in North America, to give our children a French education (my husband is French Caribbean), and to enjoy gorgeous hot summers that actually feel like summer. (Sorry, London. I love you, but I don’t love your weather). Having an abundance of maple syrup may or may not have been a big draw too.
2.Tell us about your initial experience when moving out there? – What were your challenges?
Because I’m Canadian the transition to life in Toronto wasn’t as hard as it may have been if we’d moved somewhere completely new. Saying that, I’d never visited Toronto before we moved here. I literally got off the plane, with our kids and our suitcases and our jet lag, with our belongings following behind us on a cargo ship, and greeted my new city for the very first time.
As someone who loves adventure I was cool with that. I was excited to step into the relative unknown, excited to build something new in this new place. But as a woman, with two bouncing boys and a husband who would be going off to work while I stayed at home, with winter coming, and knowing only a few people in the city, I had some obvious worries.
Would I find community? Would I make new girlfriends?—and not just casual mummy friends but best friends, sister-girlfriends, ride-or-die mamas — you know what I mean—the type of friends that I could be completely at ease, open-hearted, fun-loving, supportive and real with. Would I be able to create a life with less hustle and more joy? And let’s face it: would I have to throw in the towel and invest in a duvet-like winter jacket and big honking winter boots? The answer was yes, yes, yes, and hell-to-the-yes because Canadian winters are no joke!
Within days of being here, the first thing that struck me was how warm and friendly everyone is. I’m naturally friendly, and Canadians by reputation are known as friendly and polite, so this shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was.
For weeks I was shocked. Like, “Did we just meet and now you’re inviting me out for drinks? Like a real invitation that you’re not going to back out of later? Fuh real, fuh real?” I was that kinda shocked. It’s been easy to meet new people and to move beyond polite stranger conversations to make real connections.
3. Give us an example of your typical morning?
Let me just preface this by saying that I’ve Googled “Ideal Morning Routine” more times than I’d like to admit and my mornings are still a bit of a sh#t show!
Depending on my luck, I either wake up naturally on my own around 6:30 or 7am, or I’m woken up by my youngest, sometimes as early as 5:30am. If I’ve had time to wake up on my own then I’ll try to meditate for 5 or 10 minutes, or I’ll read out loud to myself this super cool Oath of Manifestation that I discovered, or I’ll do a little morning movement. (Lately I’ve been getting hip to the importance of taping into my body’s wisdom. We store so much feeling in our bodies, not to mention intuition, and dancing my feelings is one of the fastest ways for me to unlock this).
If I’m not so lucky to have this alone time — which is more often than not — I’ll go straight into getting the kids dressed and fed, making their snacks, and then driving them to school.
Which sounds so neat and easy when I say it like that, but as most mum’s know, it actually involves a lot of pleading, re-doing what has been undone, barking commands, rushing around, and marching my little people out the front door like a drill sergeant.
I believe so many women, like me, want to have a perfect morning. A Goop-kinda morning. You know what I mean: the type of leisurely start to the day where you wake up and have uninterrupted time to meditate or do sun salutations, with sunshine streaming through the windows onto softly rumpled white linen bedding. Where fresh, superfood smoothies have been lovingly prepped the night before, and we hear sprinkles of laughter from children oh so eager to get to school… Yeah so that, and all kinds of lovely modern-mother-ness. Or is it just me? But sometimes—no, a lot of times—it’s not like that. It’s chaos and it’s stress and
it’s disappointment that you were shouting when you wanted to be saying “tell me why you feel this way about wearing the blue shoes and not the red ones”. It’s messy. And that’s ok. I’m paying more attention to accepting what is, and to loving everything that life brings me, whether good or bad. Amor Fati, as the stoics say.
The best way I know to inject more joy into these types of mornings is to take care of myself first before I take care of anyone else. A daily dose of pleasure in my morning — in whatever form I desire it to take: whether it’s a moment of gratitude, dancing to a song, a short meditation, a quick wink in the mirror, or simply appreciating the morning sky out of my bedroom window before I get out of bed— is essential for me to start the day feeling full.
4.How do you balance a busy household as a working mother?
I don’t. Gabrielle Union recently said in an interview that she’s opted out of the myth that she can have it all. I could’ve hugged and high-fived her for saying that. Because I’m not convinced that balance really exists. I’d even go so far as to say that this concept of “balance” is our society’s way of putting even greater demands and expectations on women than is humanely possible to achieve. So much so that so many women feel depleted, guilty, ashamed, resentful, angry, or depressed when we can’t “do it all” with the ease, grace, and joy that we expect from ourselves.
I say this from experience. I like to call 2015 my Year of Tears. At the time my two little boys were both under 3 and I’d gone back to work full time at a demanding job in London at a brand communications agency. We’d just bought and renovated a new house. I’m sure on the outside I looked like I had it all together: dinner was on the table every night, the house was tidy and beautiful, I looked presentable, my babies were cared for, and I was clocking in at work (and then some). But I was running around like a headless chicken trying to keep all of the balls in the air. Doing, doing, doing. Running, running, running. I felt overwhelmed by motherhood. I didn’t enjoy my work. I silently resented my husband because I was doing the infamous “second shift” at home…
I couldn’t work out how all of the things I’d dreamt of having: a successful career, a new house, two healthy children, a good man —how it still left me feeling so uninspired. So stressed. So tired. So moody. So stuck. So disconnected from myself and what I truly wanted and needed.
With the help of some incredible, feminist healers and teachers, I learned that when a woman is lit up, tuned in and turned on to her own brilliance she is at her most powerful.
I began to realise that I’d put everything else before my own desires. I’d neglected my own joy. I’d pushed away the pursuit of pleasure and fun, in favour of getting sh#t done and taking care of everyone and everything. And the results sucked.
So I did my own version of opting out. I quit my 9-to-5 job, which was an easy decision because it brought me zero joy. (But wasn’t necessarily the easiest transition because a big part of my sense of self-worth and identity as a modern woman has been tied to working in a successful career.)
Now I have more time and space to create my own business doing something I truly love and working in a way that fits more flexibly around my family life.
I spend more time with my boys, but I also spend a lot more time on myself and on exploring what brings me joy. I do so knowing that when I feel nourished, lit up and full I take everyone around me higher.
Plus we made this move to Toronto which has brought us a better quality of life… I’m not going to say things are perfect and I’ve solved all of the issues I had before, but by doing less and filling myself up more, I feel more balanced.
5.What’s your go to mantra?
I am open and ready to receive all of the love, support and abundance of the Universe
6. Tell us your number ONE time saving hack?
This may sound counter-intuitive, but my number one time saving hack is to do the fun thing, the thing that lights you up, FIRST. Which is to say, most of us have been taught that when we’re busy we must buckle down and get to work, and only afterwards once the work is done will we allow ourselves to indulge in something joyous, pleasurable, playful or fun.
For instance, you have meetings and work to do all day but you really want to go to a dance class. Or you need to make dinner and load the dishwasher but you also want to catch up with a friend. Figure out how you can get a taste of what you need from the dance class, or the connection with a girlfriend, and make it happen before you get down to work.
When we meet our needs for joy, when we regularly make room for life’s pleasures, when we move towards the things that light us up, our sense of time and space shifts. It’s better than a time-saving hack. It’s like magic. We create more space to breathe easy, and we create the perception that time is working in our favour. I invite you to experiment with this and see how your day unfolds with more grace, ease and joy.
7. What’s the ONE thing that you carry in your backpack that helps you organise your day?
I remember the days when I didn’t have an iPhone. My mobile was only for texts and phone calls. Actual phone calls! Now it’s my whole world. So the unsexy answer is: my phone.
Thank you so much for sharing your world with the Nariva Boutique community. We wanna help driven women to connect with likewise inspiring women.
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Joy wants to help other women who are feeling the negative and at times overwhelming challenges of motherhood. She runs an online workshop for busy women who want less of this hustle and more joy from the various demanding roles we sometime defined for ourselves. You can be connect with Joy her social channels.
She is also an expert on all things Canadian – so has tips and tricks for moving and travelling abroad especially with a young family, she’ll be your go to bible.